New Start

I woke up this morning like any other day. Except it was harder, moving away I thought would be easy. The last few months have been interesting that is for sure, the end of a three year relationship, with someone I loved very much, and the lose of so many friends which until recently I never knew I had. My relationship wasn't exactly a piece of cake, it was a un-trusting one and held back many things from me. Until now I have never understood the meaning of loss really. I had everything a amazing girlfriend, friends, and a very supportive family. I never understood to much, what I was put on this earth for and well I didn't really care. After my loss of 4 family members, a girlfriend, and her family. I felt like I had nothing to live for, that I was alone, that life seem to unbearable. I never could figure out why I have felt so bad these last couple of months or why it was so hard for me to just let go of everything, I found myself day after day and Night after Night just wondering how I lost myself and if I would ever get it back. Without support from everyone around me I don't think I would have made it through this.

Even though I know that things will get better I just wake up everyday trying to get by, without my internal conflicts inter fearing. It just gets so tiring and lonely with each passing day I find. I try hard to surround myself with people I love but when they are gone I feel this ever lasting darkness surround me like just when I'm close to the surface to get that breath of air, the darkness just pulls me back down again. I do fight it , but with each passing day I find my spirits growing lesser and lesser. I do want to reach out for help, but I see how my please affect the ones I love around me. I don't know how long this darkness has been with me. But it always seems to surface when I need it the least. There are many days where I just want to lay down and give into it, but I think of the ones I have and love, and how doing so would disappoint them. I know there is a god and I do have faith, but I do find myself some days questioning it. I feel Like I have let myself down and when I look up at myself I don't even recognize what I see. I miss my one true friend who has been there with me through thick and thin. I want to tell her all this but I know with what is going on in her life that I can not let her help hold of my burden and help me ease the pain. I look at her and see someone who I can rely on and when I see her going through rough times I stop and hold her hand, as she has always done with mine. I see so much great potential in her and worry that her kind heart will be taken advantage of one day, that one day she will need me and I will let her down or not be there for her.

I have never met so many people in this world who are caring and great, as the friends I have made in Winnipeg. So many people I have met in my life. But none and special as the ones from Winnipeg. With everything that has gone on in my life and the struggles I have had to face, Winnipeg was where I met the people who would help me along. I have loved and lost there as well, which has taken a great deal out of me. It has forced me to re think life and love. I have lost faith in love and its cruel ways. I managed to loose so much of myself over it and feel like I have gotten nothing from it in return. Then I think of a friends love and find some ray of hope that shines through. My best friend has given so much to me and I couldn't even tell her that I know that she know it by the way I look at her, but I find it hard to tell her that.

But know that that is all out. It is time for a new start, to get a hold of my life and find out who I really am. I am so grateful of the people in my life, and it is for them that I continue on. You know who you all are and thank you so much. You all have a special place in my heart and you were all there for me when I needed you most.

All my Love Kyle