I know that I just posted a blog or what you call these things (feel like a old person). So today was my first day at the new Home Depot, it was alright but just wasn't the same. Everything is different feel like a new person when Ive been with the company longer than a lot of people there. I guess its the company I'm in too, just not the same people. However there are still nice people there and a girl who has already caught my eye...and yes I know don't worry no relationships in the near future, but there is no harm in having another friend. So yeah it was fun it was nice to be back working and I know I wont be saying this in a couple days time but for the moment I'm content and figured since I am in a better mood I might as well take advantage of it and write it down.
But yeah I'm going to leave things at here cause I'm sore and tired and well i want to get some sleep because ill be up bright and early tomorrow have to get back into a routine cause waking up whenever isn't helping the internal clock.
Kyle
Gazheek & Me
My Guardian Angel
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Can't Forget the Past
So as everything has been going alright the last few days, I find myself trying to find anything left from Celina and I that I haven't thrown out. I realized now that getting ride of everything from our relationship was a good idea at the time. But now I don't want to forget. I know it has been a shitty breakup. But I still love her and no matter how hard I try I will never forget her. I almost wish we had broken up hating each other but it didn't happen that way. I almost find myself every day wondering if I had only said things differently we still might be together I know that it's probably better that we broke up but I still find myself going to sleep at night praying to get one night of sleep without dreaming of her. It just shows how much I really did love her because when we were together I never really dreamed of her and I guess it is true that you don't know what you got till its gone.
In the end as mad and upset as I am I just can't stop thinking and wondering if she is all right, does she still think of me. I still can't stand doing anything with people or even family. It is just too hard to be around people and make them believe that I am all right I just hope that and the weeks to come I am stronger and able to put things behind me. I really feel alone as much as I know that there are others here to comfort me and help me through these hard time. My life is like a yo-yo always going up and then plummeting down not knowing when it is going to stop. I want to thank everyone who has been there for me and do know that every word that I hear from you I do take to heart. Just right now it is hard to put all that hope into a heart that is broken and bleeding slowly hoping that it will be mended before there is no more to bleed I know that this is hard for some to read but in truth this is how I feel. Believe me there are days where I just wish that I could feel nothing at all, that life would be better If you could just take a break from it all.
But I have to head to bed. Tomorrow is a whole other day and hopefully a better one.
Kyle
In the end as mad and upset as I am I just can't stop thinking and wondering if she is all right, does she still think of me. I still can't stand doing anything with people or even family. It is just too hard to be around people and make them believe that I am all right I just hope that and the weeks to come I am stronger and able to put things behind me. I really feel alone as much as I know that there are others here to comfort me and help me through these hard time. My life is like a yo-yo always going up and then plummeting down not knowing when it is going to stop. I want to thank everyone who has been there for me and do know that every word that I hear from you I do take to heart. Just right now it is hard to put all that hope into a heart that is broken and bleeding slowly hoping that it will be mended before there is no more to bleed I know that this is hard for some to read but in truth this is how I feel. Believe me there are days where I just wish that I could feel nothing at all, that life would be better If you could just take a break from it all.
But I have to head to bed. Tomorrow is a whole other day and hopefully a better one.
Kyle
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Better Day
So I woke up today and decided that it is time that I start setting goals for myself whether they be short term one, it really didn't matter. I just wanted something new and worth while to look forward to. So I went to a local gym and signed up. It was nice I didn't realise just how much I had missed going to work out and how much of a stress reliever it is. So it was a start, and one that I am looking forward to. I get a trainer to set me up with my goals and at the same time feel good about myself and it will help me quite smoking which is another perk. It was one day where I can go to bed and feel like it's not all that bad so yes Mollie you were right not all days will suck, they will get better and the loss will become more easy to cope with.
I still think of her a lot but its is becoming a little easier to let got as painful as it has been. I just find it hard to believe that I will love again (which believe me will not be anytime soon) and I know that she is the first true love so it wont ever been the same, but if I'm lucky maybe I'll find someone who will mean much more to me. But until i get my head straightened out I don't think love will be on the agenda any time soon. So I think I will leave it at that tonight because I'm tired and hungry from the gym.
Night Jeffery's
I still think of her a lot but its is becoming a little easier to let got as painful as it has been. I just find it hard to believe that I will love again (which believe me will not be anytime soon) and I know that she is the first true love so it wont ever been the same, but if I'm lucky maybe I'll find someone who will mean much more to me. But until i get my head straightened out I don't think love will be on the agenda any time soon. So I think I will leave it at that tonight because I'm tired and hungry from the gym.
Night Jeffery's
Monday, January 22, 2007
Not Easy
So another couple of days have past and things have not been so easy. I spend most of my time missing her and thinking about her. Does she ever think of me did she ever even really love me. It sure feels like things will ever get better even though people insist that they will. I find even the good days to be some what intolerable like I'm there but not really. How do you find yourself when you can even feel and if you do feel its only pain. Every day I feel as if the pain keeps growing and growing until its just unbearable, like I'm not even alive. I think if I was ever to be in hell that each day would feel like this and I would never wish this upon anybody.
It's so hard to reach out for help because all I want to do is forget everything, I wish that there was a procedure where you could wipe people from your mind because that's what I would do with her I know that there are still lots of good memories with her but those ones are the most painful ones and even now that I am 1000 of miles from her I still miss her and love her so much. It become clearer and clearer ever day which side of me is winning, I can feel a part of me dieing with each passing second and just hoping that I can keep myself from drowning in the pain. I wish that people could see my pain because it would be then when they would realise why I have thought the though I have thought and maybe understand why making those type of decisions seem like the right ones. Even now being surrounded by family I feel even more outcast than ever because it them who I have to lie to and them who I have to keep up this sheraid that everything is alright.
Why is it that love is blind? I never understood that saying until I actually feel in love, if you could call it that. I just couldn't understand how someone who said that they loved you so much could hurt you so bad. I have come to realize that I never want to love again because if it can hurt anymore than this that I would be done for. I don't know why I have taken this so rough and why I still don't want to let go but I don't think I can and want to. I don't know if I'm trying to torment myself for this relationship, or maybe I'm blaming myself for the break up all I know is that I want this all to end. I want to hang up my gloves and for this to all be over. I am trying to find myself but I just find it hard when I find it so hard to get out of bed every day, and sit there wondering if she still loves me and I wonder what shes doing right now.
But I am going to leave it at that I'm tired and bed is starting to look good. I will try to keep my head up and hope to wake up.
Kyle
It's so hard to reach out for help because all I want to do is forget everything, I wish that there was a procedure where you could wipe people from your mind because that's what I would do with her I know that there are still lots of good memories with her but those ones are the most painful ones and even now that I am 1000 of miles from her I still miss her and love her so much. It become clearer and clearer ever day which side of me is winning, I can feel a part of me dieing with each passing second and just hoping that I can keep myself from drowning in the pain. I wish that people could see my pain because it would be then when they would realise why I have thought the though I have thought and maybe understand why making those type of decisions seem like the right ones. Even now being surrounded by family I feel even more outcast than ever because it them who I have to lie to and them who I have to keep up this sheraid that everything is alright.
Why is it that love is blind? I never understood that saying until I actually feel in love, if you could call it that. I just couldn't understand how someone who said that they loved you so much could hurt you so bad. I have come to realize that I never want to love again because if it can hurt anymore than this that I would be done for. I don't know why I have taken this so rough and why I still don't want to let go but I don't think I can and want to. I don't know if I'm trying to torment myself for this relationship, or maybe I'm blaming myself for the break up all I know is that I want this all to end. I want to hang up my gloves and for this to all be over. I am trying to find myself but I just find it hard when I find it so hard to get out of bed every day, and sit there wondering if she still loves me and I wonder what shes doing right now.
But I am going to leave it at that I'm tired and bed is starting to look good. I will try to keep my head up and hope to wake up.
Kyle
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
New Start
I woke up this morning like any other day. Except it was harder, moving away I thought would be easy. The last few months have been interesting that is for sure, the end of a three year relationship, with someone I loved very much, and the lose of so many friends which until recently I never knew I had. My relationship wasn't exactly a piece of cake, it was a un-trusting one and held back many things from me. Until now I have never understood the meaning of loss really. I had everything a amazing girlfriend, friends, and a very supportive family. I never understood to much, what I was put on this earth for and well I didn't really care. After my loss of 4 family members, a girlfriend, and her family. I felt like I had nothing to live for, that I was alone, that life seem to unbearable. I never could figure out why I have felt so bad these last couple of months or why it was so hard for me to just let go of everything, I found myself day after day and Night after Night just wondering how I lost myself and if I would ever get it back. Without support from everyone around me I don't think I would have made it through this.
Even though I know that things will get better I just wake up everyday trying to get by, without my internal conflicts inter fearing. It just gets so tiring and lonely with each passing day I find. I try hard to surround myself with people I love but when they are gone I feel this ever lasting darkness surround me like just when I'm close to the surface to get that breath of air, the darkness just pulls me back down again. I do fight it , but with each passing day I find my spirits growing lesser and lesser. I do want to reach out for help, but I see how my please affect the ones I love around me. I don't know how long this darkness has been with me. But it always seems to surface when I need it the least. There are many days where I just want to lay down and give into it, but I think of the ones I have and love, and how doing so would disappoint them. I know there is a god and I do have faith, but I do find myself some days questioning it. I feel Like I have let myself down and when I look up at myself I don't even recognize what I see. I miss my one true friend who has been there with me through thick and thin. I want to tell her all this but I know with what is going on in her life that I can not let her help hold of my burden and help me ease the pain. I look at her and see someone who I can rely on and when I see her going through rough times I stop and hold her hand, as she has always done with mine. I see so much great potential in her and worry that her kind heart will be taken advantage of one day, that one day she will need me and I will let her down or not be there for her.
I have never met so many people in this world who are caring and great, as the friends I have made in Winnipeg. So many people I have met in my life. But none and special as the ones from Winnipeg. With everything that has gone on in my life and the struggles I have had to face, Winnipeg was where I met the people who would help me along. I have loved and lost there as well, which has taken a great deal out of me. It has forced me to re think life and love. I have lost faith in love and its cruel ways. I managed to loose so much of myself over it and feel like I have gotten nothing from it in return. Then I think of a friends love and find some ray of hope that shines through. My best friend has given so much to me and I couldn't even tell her that I know that she know it by the way I look at her, but I find it hard to tell her that.
But know that that is all out. It is time for a new start, to get a hold of my life and find out who I really am. I am so grateful of the people in my life, and it is for them that I continue on. You know who you all are and thank you so much. You all have a special place in my heart and you were all there for me when I needed you most.
All my Love Kyle
Even though I know that things will get better I just wake up everyday trying to get by, without my internal conflicts inter fearing. It just gets so tiring and lonely with each passing day I find. I try hard to surround myself with people I love but when they are gone I feel this ever lasting darkness surround me like just when I'm close to the surface to get that breath of air, the darkness just pulls me back down again. I do fight it , but with each passing day I find my spirits growing lesser and lesser. I do want to reach out for help, but I see how my please affect the ones I love around me. I don't know how long this darkness has been with me. But it always seems to surface when I need it the least. There are many days where I just want to lay down and give into it, but I think of the ones I have and love, and how doing so would disappoint them. I know there is a god and I do have faith, but I do find myself some days questioning it. I feel Like I have let myself down and when I look up at myself I don't even recognize what I see. I miss my one true friend who has been there with me through thick and thin. I want to tell her all this but I know with what is going on in her life that I can not let her help hold of my burden and help me ease the pain. I look at her and see someone who I can rely on and when I see her going through rough times I stop and hold her hand, as she has always done with mine. I see so much great potential in her and worry that her kind heart will be taken advantage of one day, that one day she will need me and I will let her down or not be there for her.
I have never met so many people in this world who are caring and great, as the friends I have made in Winnipeg. So many people I have met in my life. But none and special as the ones from Winnipeg. With everything that has gone on in my life and the struggles I have had to face, Winnipeg was where I met the people who would help me along. I have loved and lost there as well, which has taken a great deal out of me. It has forced me to re think life and love. I have lost faith in love and its cruel ways. I managed to loose so much of myself over it and feel like I have gotten nothing from it in return. Then I think of a friends love and find some ray of hope that shines through. My best friend has given so much to me and I couldn't even tell her that I know that she know it by the way I look at her, but I find it hard to tell her that.
But know that that is all out. It is time for a new start, to get a hold of my life and find out who I really am. I am so grateful of the people in my life, and it is for them that I continue on. You know who you all are and thank you so much. You all have a special place in my heart and you were all there for me when I needed you most.
All my Love Kyle
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