So another couple of days have past and things have not been so easy. I spend most of my time missing her and thinking about her. Does she ever think of me did she ever even really love me. It sure feels like things will ever get better even though people insist that they will. I find even the good days to be some what intolerable like I'm there but not really. How do you find yourself when you can even feel and if you do feel its only pain. Every day I feel as if the pain keeps growing and growing until its just unbearable, like I'm not even alive. I think if I was ever to be in hell that each day would feel like this and I would never wish this upon anybody.
It's so hard to reach out for help because all I want to do is forget everything, I wish that there was a procedure where you could wipe people from your mind because that's what I would do with her I know that there are still lots of good memories with her but those ones are the most painful ones and even now that I am 1000 of miles from her I still miss her and love her so much. It become clearer and clearer ever day which side of me is winning, I can feel a part of me dieing with each passing second and just hoping that I can keep myself from drowning in the pain. I wish that people could see my pain because it would be then when they would realise why I have thought the though I have thought and maybe understand why making those type of decisions seem like the right ones. Even now being surrounded by family I feel even more outcast than ever because it them who I have to lie to and them who I have to keep up this sheraid that everything is alright.
Why is it that love is blind? I never understood that saying until I actually feel in love, if you could call it that. I just couldn't understand how someone who said that they loved you so much could hurt you so bad. I have come to realize that I never want to love again because if it can hurt anymore than this that I would be done for. I don't know why I have taken this so rough and why I still don't want to let go but I don't think I can and want to. I don't know if I'm trying to torment myself for this relationship, or maybe I'm blaming myself for the break up all I know is that I want this all to end. I want to hang up my gloves and for this to all be over. I am trying to find myself but I just find it hard when I find it so hard to get out of bed every day, and sit there wondering if she still loves me and I wonder what shes doing right now.
But I am going to leave it at that I'm tired and bed is starting to look good. I will try to keep my head up and hope to wake up.
Kyle
Gazheek & Me
My Guardian Angel
1 comment:
Oh kyle you make the depths of my heart quiver..your words and feelings are so sincere and painful..i feel the gut wrentching need when i read your words..i can picture the hurt in your eyes..one man trying to be strong for them, yet lets himself weaken more and more each time..this man who means so much to some doesnt feel it for what another has done..kyle i know that you are going to get through this and i know your thinking thta you have herd it all before but i have Faith in God and i trust that if you let Him, He will do great things with you kyle..i wish you would have stayed..i would have really enjoyed living for Christ with you..i wish we would have hung out..got to know eachother better..deeper..dont give up on love kyle becasue it is not love that failed you..it was a person..you have to take into account how things are going since the break up..you need to go to youtube and look up a vidoe and listen to it..its
Casting Crowns-does anybody hear her..kyle i think about you every day and night..i worry about you when im at work or at church..even when im just sitting around..im scared that you might let satan get the best of you..i dont know what i would do with myself if anything ever happened to you..i feel like a litle part of me stayed with you when i hugged you goodbye at the Fox that night..i just wish you would see it..kyle email me or instand message me when you upset..call me for hevans sake..204-632-4123.. just becasue we are so far does not mean that i am not here for you..give me a chance..i may not be able to give you advice all the time but i can definatly listen anytime..
you are loved kyle..yes you! remember me when you down..keep smiling my boy:)<3
love mollie
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